It's 3am and you're still awake because...

Something big is about to happen. Like really big. And the universe doesn’t want you to sleep through it. Except the universe isn’t sure if it’s scheduled for tonight, or tomorrow, or the day after. Let’s not risk missing it okay?

You have a heightened level of brain activity. It is physically impossible for your awesome brain to shut down so early. It is also physically impossible for your brain to function before noon.

If you don’t get a meal at this time of the night, your life will be meaningless.

You don’t know it yet, but you’re part of this secret cult that meets at this hour. They call out to you every night, it’s time you pay more attention to those voices.

You were an owl in your past life.

You are still an owl, disguised as a human being.

The stars need you to watch over them.

You like to watch people sleep.

And let's face it, it may be 3am at your end. But it's 5pm somewhere else in the world :)

Here's one of Benedict Cumberbatch, because why not.

The Native Outcast

At one of my favorite cosmetic stores.

Saleslady: Hi, po.
Me: Hello.
Saleslady: Ano ba ang hinahanap mo? Lipstick? Eyeshadow?
Me: Ahh.. I'm just looking for concealer.
Salelady: Oh! I'm sorry. I thought you are Filipino.
Me: I am. I just can't speak it.
Saleslady: Why not? All Filipino should know how to speak Tagalog. Is your father a foreigner?
Me: .... umm.. the concealer?


Just a rendition of one of the many episodes I have. Sometimes it's worse and sometimes it's not. However, it doesn't change the fact that my own kin observe me as an alien.

Growing up, I was heavily influenced by my peers rather than my parents. English was my main language in and out of our home. Overtime, I began to understand Bisaya and Tagalog from listening intently to my parents and relatives. The end result? A pure-bred Filipina who speaks fluent English and understands the Filipino language BUT doesn't speak it.

What I considered to be perfectly normal was strange for many of our family friends and new people we meet. The consensus among Filipinos (and for many others) is that every 'Kabayan' must know the language. The failure to do so is enough to be considered a side-show. (Ok, maybe that's exaggerating it.)

One may find it naive and frustrating on how narrow-minded many people may be. I am aware not every one is like that. BUT!... I've encountered too many to shrug it aside. Being a person without the ability to converse in their native tongue may and can result in the following:

1. Assumed as a half-Filipino (usually with a rich foreign father)
2. The topic of many starter conversations - of course done in the native tongue because they assume you don't understand.
3. The attention of many speculative stares when you speak english fluently to your Filipino parents.
4. Not being included in interesting conversations with peers or co-workers. (plainly because they can't gossip in english and get away with it.)

(I may or may not have encountered 2 or more of the above)

Half the battle is understanding the language and interpreting it so you're aware of what is being said. The other half is coping with emotions of feeling alienated from your own kinsmen.

The obvious solution would be to learn the language. Sadly, I'm not motivated enough to. English is more than enough for me. Being able to understand what my parents tell me in Bisaya is enough. Hey, it's a personal preference.

Over the years, I have collected a small group of friends (non-Filipinos) and found myself more at home in a multinational society than in my own nationality. English is the main form of communication - and even when a couple of my friends share a second language, they won't hesitate to translate it.

Being mentally branded as an outcast - yes, 'mentally' - I allowed myself to explore and learn the world around me. I observed and questioned other cultures, people and behaviours. What makes them tick; Why they act the way they do; Why stereotypes are formed and are they true? The result - a broadened perspective of our mixed society and the ability to hold a semi-objective understanding of the cultures and ethnicities around us.

Despite feeling like a 'freak-show' around my 'Kabayans', I feel utterly relieved to have been raised as I am. I'd like to think I grew up with a minimal sassy, typical personality most Filipinas tend to have in their teens. Nor do I hold a bias against other nationalities as many do.

I was educated in non-Filipino schools, hung around a majority of non-Filipinos as I grew up and spoke no other language except English. Yes, I was seen as different. Perhaps people felt intimidated to approach and talk to me because of the language difficulty. I don't blame them. None of us can completely control the way we were raised or how much exposure we had to either language. As my cousins love saying, we cause 'nosebleeds' in an attempt to understand each other.

Nevertheless, I'm rather proud of the way I was raised. Despite feeling alone among my kin, I have never felt inadequate. I may have referred to myself as an outcast. Let's tweak that a bit...

I'm a Proud Native Outcast.


-L

*Disclaimer: This post is not intended as an insult to the Filipino community. It is a young woman's personal opinion drawn from previous experiences in life. I love being Filipino. Nevertheless, take it as you see fit.